Source: How To Love The Unlovable.
So, everyone knows AT LEAST one person who is either so hardened or so broken and downtrodden that you cannot get through to them enough to love them. Even if that one person…is you…
How do I know this to be true, you ask? I know this because that person used to be me. I wasn’t completely unlovable, but I used to be reallllllll hard. Hard to get love from. My heart was totally hardened. Hard to get a hug from. Hard to get a smile out of. The way I talked was hard. The things I said…I just…it was bad. My favorite music was trap music (low low-key still is. lol.), but it was more of the kind that spoke nothing but “I don’t need you’s” and “love is for the weak” and all of that kind of foolishness. *deep sigh*.
Anyways, it’s hard to work around, hang around, or be in a relationship with a person like this because nothing is ever good enough for them. Not even the purest and the most genuine of love. I know that my lack of love stems from the void I had from not receiving conformational love from my father throughout my formative years. Parents and the crucial developmental years (infant to around 18) are so influential in who a person grows up to be and it teaches them how to love. SO SO incredibly influential.
For me, I saw nothing but love coming from my mother no matter what came her way. I saw her be nice and genuine to my fathers new wife, a year or so after they had been divorced, and that spoke volumes! She could have been bitter, mean and spiteful, but instead she showed love. On the other hand, I grew up seeing my father be nice and show love to everyone around us, but treat my mother as a second class citizen. And then he left, then they got divorced, then he sort of disappeared for a few years.
This is my my first view of love. This is a piece of what my foundation of love is made of.
Now, this type of situation can do one of two things:
- Make a person just totally emit all of the love that they could ever give to make up for the love that they never received or
- Close off so that no one ever gets a chance touch and love the parts of you that were never nurtured and loved in the manner that they were supposed to be.
I chose option #2. Obvi. I didn’t need anyone hurting me in the way that my father hurt my mother. I actively watched her go through that hurt and I decided that I wanted 0 parts of it. Because, honestly, truly, I feel like I would go FULL Bernie Waiting To Exhale on somebody…
What car. What clothes. What golf clubs. Never seen ’em. *flicks cigarette*
Anyways, within the last year I have been on the fast track to transition over to option #1. I had to grow up. Get a whole lot of Jesus. Have God fill my void. Then realize that my parents may also have parts of them that are void of love and that may have never been nurtured by their parents but they had to kind of go on because they now have their own children. This made me forgive him for the lack of love given, for whatever reason, and learn to love myself, even the “unlovable” parts. That was the key.
I had to accept that there may be an underlying hurt or past pain and love past that. For other people and for myself. It truly is not easy to love someone who isn’t capable of giving or receiving pure, unaltered love, but it’s worth putting forth the effort.
God loves us so much that he gave his whole son. Like…Jesus died on a whole cross because he loves us. This is the best example of how to love the unloved because we have been shown the greatest of love.
I urge you, don’t give up on your “unloved” person. Your co-worker, friend, partner, classmate, church member, parent, sibling, aunt, uncle, grandparent, etc. They need you to keep loving them because it is slowly healing them and filling a void. Your love is not in vain. Trust me.
And if you haven’t heard it today, I LOVE YOU! Down to the deepest and ugliest parts!
Virtual hugs & kisses xoxo
Always remember to trust the process!
So. If you happen to live on the sunny side of a rock then you watch Insecure. And if you don’t, well…you better get up on this black girl 24k magic that Issa Rae created in a t.v. series.
**DISCLAIMER: if you haven’t watched the latest episode and you don’t like spoilers then don’t read another further**
K. You’ve been warned. Carry on.
CHILEEEEEE!!! Let me tell you how I felt Tasha on the most personal of personal levels when she told Lawrence, *ahem*, and I quote:
“You’re a f*ck boy. No, you’re worse than a f*ck boy. You’re a f*ck boy who thinks that he’s a good guy!!”
I don’t know how many other people have dealt with a Lawrence, but my ex definitely meets that criteria 😂. Now, I don’t hate him, I don’t even dislike him anymore, but if I happen to ever travel back into 2015 (good lord, God FOR.BID.) imma just throw that line out there! Ijs.
Hurt people, hurt people. I will continue to say that until everyone has it good and stuck in their brains! But that is exactly what Lawrence is doing to Tasha. Unnecessarily twisting her up in his already twisted emotions because “she’s good”. Chile who he needs is Jesus Christ to become his lord and savior, but that’s between him and his creator.
Buuutttt…on the other hand, Tasha knew he wasn’t with her because he had plans of building a strong black tribe with her. I don’t think she’s mad at the fact that he didn’t come back to the cookout, I think she’s mad that HE SAID HE WAS coming back, and didn’t. I mean, at the end of the day your word is your bond and he decided to lie…for why?!?! He knew he wasn’t coming back and he could’ve just said that. But instead he left her looking like booboo the fool, and if Tasha is anything like me, that’s worse than telling me a lie.
What really just made me so upset over this whole situation is the fact that he just hung up the phone and walked away from the situation like it was just another argument that he’ll bounce back from. Which leads me to believe that he alllllllready knew what he was (refer back to Tasha’s quote). Tasha’s statement warranted absolutely no surprise in him. Lawrence is the type of guy that teaches you one of your biggest lessons: the lesson of wasted time because you already saw the signs of him being no good.
Now I’m not saying that he’s always been no good or he won’t ever be any good, but at this point and time in his life he no good for you and your peace. He’s like a parasite…he feeds off of everything good and nutritious that you have to offer knowing good n well that everything in him is a virus. Unfortunately, “a Lawrence” is a common guy that nearly every female will encounter at some point in their life. Do yourself a favor sis, let him go and heal by himself before you decide to invite him to the family cookout and you will save yourself from having that extra “booboo the fool” stamped on your record.
Anyways, I still have all the faith in Lawrence, he just needs to go and heal from Issa so he doesn’t ruin Tasha or anyone else for that matter. Das it.
Signed, a former Tasha/booboo the fool
Just as I was starting off my morning, mind boggled at the fact that God believes that I have enough strength to endure/journey through the situations I’m facing, I’m presented with this encouraging song:
The words simply state “Greater and better, coming back strong! Coming back strong, stronger than I’ve ever been before!”
Now I’m coming out of a weekend filled with love, life and close friends/sister’s that should’ve filled me until I’m overflowing with strength for weeks on end. But I have found that these types of thoughts [thoughts of weakness and lack of endurance] lie dormant until you’re at a point of full vulnerability- extreme happiness (nothing can defeat me) or extreme sadness (nothing can help me).
Don’t get bogged down and discouraged by your thoughts, God has already placed ALL of the strength that you will ever need to complete your journey deep inside of you. You have to seek and trust him to acquire and keep it!
So for this last Monday in July, I encourage you to: Go get what’s yours! Walk in your strength! Head up, chest out. God literally has you covered 💜
Remember to trust the process!
So…back a few months ago when I decided to start loving better I started to realize that I wasn’t properly preparing myself for everything I wanted later on in my life. The main thing was my desire to be a wife. One day something clicked and I realized that I was preparing for everything else, but I guess I just figured that I would sort of fall into this role…? I don’t know why I thought that because everything else I desired required a process, but I guess that’s just the way my mind was set up. I started to think about all of the other things I desired and actively prepare for:
- I wan’t to be a nurse: I have volunteered in hospitals, looked into my specialty, researched the career, shadowed nurses and asked questions, and now i’m in nursing school. Preparation.
- I want to be a better baker: I try different recipes, perfect the ones that work, flip through cookbooks, ask other bakers questions and bake when I don’t need to. lol. Preparation.
- I want to be a better example of love: I started giving more of me, extending myself more, asking those that love me how I can love better, evaluating how I was loving, and practicing loving like God. Preparation.
- I want to be the best version of myself: I am starting to dig deeper into who I am, I am pouring love into me, I am re-evaluating my self-care practices, and I am setting goals and appreciating where I am in the now. Constant preparation.
As I look at this list of things I see a common factor: they were taught/demonstrated. In some way, shape or fashion, I have been taught how to get an education, cook, and love. But the more I think about it, I was never taught how to properly date/properly love a man/be a wife. There were two things that were always stated in my household 1) no dating until…ever (there was no specific time that we could date, I just kinda fell into it) 2) No sex until marriage. I mean, we (my sisters and I) also received what not to do/accept, but not really what we needed to do/give.
The relationship that I experienced directly (my parents) was toxic and quite frankly, it shaped my vision of marriage and my total lack of interest in it for a great majority of my life. My father shaped my idea of a husband and he made me never want one and I watched my mother evolve into that strong black woman narrative (in a positive way). She became the sole provider, protector, nurturer, breadwinner and head of household. I don’t fault her for any of the circumstances that were thrown our way (ultimately because she didn’t create them), but teaching us how to date and be a wife were not on the forefront of her mind. Making sure that we loved God and got an education so that we could be equipped for life was her main goal. In that, she reached great success because she raised 3 girls that moved past having just a bachelors degree, but also fell into bad relationships along the way.
Now, it doesn’t matter what you were exposed to or what your familial structure is, almost all people endure a bad/toxic relationship in their lifetime. I just feel like our exposure and the hand we were dealt gave us more of a chance of having one. You can’t help the hand you were dealt, you can only negatively accept it or change it for the positive.
I always thought that I was changing my situation for the positive, but I ended up going into relationships subconsciously searching for something that I would/could NEVER receive from anyone other than God. Some type of love and affirmations that I should’ve received from my own father that I have yet to receive, but it’s okay because God provides whatever we lack. It wasn’t until April of this year that I figured that I was going about this relationship thing all wrong so I decided that it was finally time for me to prepare the correct way.
I started by observing and hanging with women that are/were married and possess the wifely qualities that I see written in Proverbs 31: my mother, ladies from the church, my sister-friends, etc. I cling to more than one person because different people hold different strengths. Personally, my learning happens to be best when I sit back and watch the correct action being done so I had to develop a more personal relationship some of them to adequately receive. In addition to that, I started asking more questions, watching a Proverbs 31 series (issa link, feel free to click) and other sermons on YouTube, and using the Bible as a resource. While gaining all of this insight is when I found that I wasn’t properly loving myself, I needed to strengthen my relationship with God, and that I had some broken areas to focus on before I even thought about being in a relationship again.
It is still all a process, as is everything, but i’m actually enjoying learning more about what foundational attributes men and women should be able to bring to the table to have a successful relationship. It’s never too late to learn how to be great and how to build from your mistakes!
*disclaimer: my parents aren’t perfect, I never expect them to be so I don’t fault them; it’s just that the deck that we were dealt from was laced with hardships that later built some crazy strength.*
Always remember to trust the process!
My 2017 started off rough, tough, and painful. Little did I know, that was minute to the place that i’m in now. LAWD I would KILL to be back in that situation where the only thing that troubled me was school and wondering if my car would start that morning.
Now, I have never been much of a crier (you reciprocate what you see and I have seen my mother cry MAYBE 5 times out of my 24 years of living) and that’s mostly because I kind of internalized that crying was NOT a sign of strength. No one told me this, but this is simply what I thought. I used to pride myself in telling people “you’ll probably never see me cry”, but THIS YEAR. Boyyyy. Listen, I am pretty sure I started off 2017 crying right on January 1st and have not missed a week yet. I had a revelation that my tear ducts were backed up and they needed to release all 60% of water that the human body is made up of. And that’s also how I lost all of my weight this last semester. I am absolutely convinced.
Throughout all of this crying I started to seriously deepen my relationship with God and I also started to be more purposeful with my love/loving. At this time, I so desperately needed the people who I loved to know that I loved them so I started reaching out to them more through texts, little messages, random gifts, etc. But at the same time I so desperately needed to learn more about myself so that could know why I operate the way I do- why I give up so easily sometimes, why I can’t keep a relationship, why I can’t be vulnerable and open up, why I downplay or underestimate my strength/knowledge, why can’t I let anyone in, etc.
I am a flawed individual, I’m not perfect, but my perfection lies in God. I knew this, i’ve always known this so I knew that digging deeper to learn myself was going to open some cans (yes, plural) of worms that I vowed, at a young age, to never even bother anymore. One of them being my my father. Not gon lie, I didn’t want to reach out to him because i’ve never been a “daddy’s girl”, never wanted a man like my father, fathers day was another hallmark holiday to me, when he left us back when I was 15/16 I thought that was freedom ticket. Honestly, truly. But as I grow and mature in my 20 sumthins I realize that I need him now more than ever because he holds the key to 23 of my 46 chromosomes and I can’t unlock the meaning of them without him. Turns out that it’s actually be easier than I thought it would be because operating with the love of God makes everything easier. Still a process though…
So throughout all of this time some things started to get better, school, my car situation, my relationship with God, but other things start to change. My spiritual journey has me visiting other churches and at the same time i’m in the process of trying to remove my attachment from a guy and this is turning out to be the longest and most draining process in 2017. Not going to lie, I thought that I was going to handle it A L O T better than I am, but I just contribute it to being apart of the process. After reviewing our relationship over and over again trying to see what I could’ve and should’ve done differently to put us in a better position, I only came up with one thing. I wasn’t properly loving myself first. You cannot truly give pure, unaltered, unconditional love unless you have it for yourself.
Now I understand that these past 6 months of happy, sad, hot, salty, and draining tears have only been helping to release the old me that was full of anger for no reason, rudeness, doubt, insecurities and so much more. I know that it’ll be a long process that starts with continuing the change in my mindset, I know that there will still be tears (simply because I just got done having a Kim K. ugly cry 5 minutes ago), but I also know that God’s love will continue to hold me together. Also, God has placed some of the most amazing people in my life to draw strength from. I am absolutely SO incredibly blessed beyond measure…even through this breaking period.
So, If you’re close enough and have felt or seen a shift in me, just please be patient with me. I don’t intend on hurting anyone through this process, but I MUST learn how to love myself and sometimes that means that I have to do some things on my own before I announce them to the world. That means I have to do what my heart desires, within reason. lol. That means I have to re-learn myself everyday and love whatever i’m presented with. Strength and weakness. Beat and dry face. Freckles and blemishes. Tears of all kinds. Hurt/pain and joy/happiness. Flaws and all. Gotta start with loving me.
Y’all, please continue to trust the process.
– With love, Muffy
So. I am currently supposed to be writing a research paper so that I can get it out of the way so that I can study for finals happening next week buttttt I just need to get something off of my chest first. Just work with me for a second.
This post is entitled “fearless” because that is my “one word” for 2017. Earlier this year my Auntie sent out a text and asked everyone what their “one word” (a practice developed by Mike Ashcraft where you pick a word to challenge you for the year. click the link to find out more.) would be for the year. I thought it over for a few days and finally settled on the word fearless. My mother thought that I should’ve picked another word…I forget what it was though. Now, at the moment I didn’t exactly understand why I decided to pick the word, but something in my spirit was telling me to stick with it.
So it’s January and the new semester has started and it is A L R E A D Y getting the best of me- from the stupid car to struggling with not having an intricate part of my support system there to simply still being uncomfortable in this uncomfortable season. I was like…some…thing…has…GOT… to give! So I started getting myself together to act on my one word: fearless.
I started with my fearless pursuit for love. At this point in my life I just got kind of fed up with me being selfish- “why am I not feeling the love that I deserve?” “This person should show more concern for me. Why don’t they?” “I don’t like this persons attitude. They don’t deserve to be treated this type of way”. All of that just reeks of selfishness so I asked God to help me love like him, have a pure heart like his so I decided to implement love in every situation that I could. I started reach out and express the love that I want/think I deserve from those who fail to show it to me. I started expressing more love to those who already show me an over abundance of love. Now it is becoming more natural and I am becoming a little more gentle with people. God’s love will always win.
Next came my fearless pursuit for God. I have been pursuing him, but I can’t say that it has been a fearless journey. Over the past year he has placed me in various situations where I was uncertain of the outcome and it made me super uncomfortable. I was uncomfortable being uncomfortable. There has always been some cushion or padding in my life that has been my safety net to fall back on, but God needed me to be uncomfortable so that I would get up and fall in line with his plan and will for my life. I’d be in prayer every Tuesday just asking God what it was he needed from me for him to get the greatest glory and for me to be at peace. He answered me in prayer during the first night of consecration with the church and simply said “I need all of you” and thats when my fearless pursuit really began.
I didn’t know exactly what I needed to do, but I knew that I needed God to do it so I let go of any negative impinging ideas and went in head first. Now, I had been thinking about baptism for awhile, because I knew I needed it, but I knew this was the perfect time. This morning of my baptism I just remember everyone being so excited and me having to keep it together because the person I got baptized with was nervous. lol. All within one week I was baptized and filled with the holy spirit! No greater love have I ever felt, experienced, or known. My fearless pursuit started to feel just that much more fearless.
I am still fearlessly pursuing love and God, but becoming comfortable in my uncomfortableness has been the greatest product of my “one word”.
Needless to say, God revealed to me my “why” to my one word almost instantly, but I had to work with it a little bit. Makes me wonder what other things he will make me fearless about within the coming months of this year.
Anyways, as always, keep trusting the process.
John 13:34-35 (KJV)
34 A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.
35 By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.
I choose to love for 2017.
Since today is the day that our great nation honors one of the greatest civil rights leaders of all of time, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., I thought that it would be a perfect time for me to reflect on how I plan to spend my 2017. It involves love because that was one of his main goals.
For the first week of the year I was still trying to figure out how I was going to go about it, navigate it so that I can come out a better Erin that I was the year, month, week, day and even hour before. I went through a whole set of thoughts about how I could’ve done 2016 better and everything just ended up circling back to love. I mean, I gave and received love last year, but I didn’t do it freely all the time and I definitely didn’t show it to everyone.
After reflecting on my first week of 2017 I decided that I could not keep harboring the things that hurt me in 2016 and in years before. That was the main thing that kept me from reaching my full potential of love and it kept me from being open with people that I clearly trusted. It had me shutting people out before I even let them in and when I finally let them in it was much too late. SO, after making that declaration of purifying my heart and letting go of hurt and the things that I cannot control, I decided to choose love.
I knew that I couldn’t live out my 2017 while I was still hiding behind the comfort of my own hurt so I choose to give what I so desperately need- LOVE.
I plan to selflessly spread it in every way that I can- starting with myself. If I start by loving myself properly then hopefully others will see and catch on to the wave.
There are a few people in my life that always always always ALWAYS show me love in various ways and I plan on honoring them endlessly all year! I don’t have a lot, but that can no longer be used as an excuse because a small gesture from the heart can often times mean more than a grand gesture.
At the end of the day, love is an action verb so I plan to DO all things in love. I plan to remind everyone that we’re practicing love this year. I plan to remind myself that we’re practicing love this year. I just want to end this year (really each day) loving love because I can’t say thats how I genuinely felt at the end of 2016.
So, needless to say, I encourage everyone to choose love this year.
Always remember, trust the process.