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trust the process

…But first, you must love yourself.

My 2017 started off rough, tough, and painful. Little did I know, that was minute to the place that i’m in now. LAWD I would KILL to be back in that situation where the only thing that troubled me was school and wondering if my car would start that morning.

Now, I have never been much of a crier (you reciprocate what you see and I have seen my mother cry MAYBE 5 times out of my 24 years of living) and that’s mostly because I kind of internalized that crying was NOT a sign of strength. No one told me this, but this is simply what I thought. I used to pride myself in telling people “you’ll probably never see me cry”, but THIS YEAR. Boyyyy. Listen, I am pretty sure I started off 2017 crying right on January 1st and have not missed a week yet. I had a revelation that my tear ducts were backed up and they needed to release all 60% of water that the human body is made up of. And that’s also how I lost all of my weight this last semester. I am absolutely convinced.

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Me from 1993-2016.
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Me in 2017.

Throughout all of this crying I started to seriously deepen my relationship with God and I also started to be more purposeful with my love/loving. At this time, I so desperately needed the people who I loved to know that I loved them so I started reaching out to them more through texts, little messages, random gifts, etc. But at the same time I so desperately needed to learn more about myself so that could know why I operate the way I do- why I give up so easily sometimes, why I can’t keep a relationship, why I can’t be vulnerable and open up, why I downplay or underestimate my strength/knowledge, why can’t I let anyone in, etc.

I am a flawed individual, I’m not perfect, but my perfection lies in God. I knew this, i’ve always known this so I knew that digging deeper to learn myself was going to open some cans (yes, plural) of worms that I vowed, at a young age, to never even bother anymore. One of them being my my father. Not gon lie, I didn’t want to reach out to him because i’ve never been a “daddy’s girl”, never wanted a man like my father, fathers day was another hallmark holiday to me, when he left us back when I was 15/16 I thought that was freedom ticket. Honestly, truly. But as I grow and mature in my 20 sumthins I realize that I need him now more than ever because he holds the key to 23 of my 46 chromosomes and I can’t unlock the meaning of them without him. Turns out that it’s actually be easier than I thought it would be because operating with the love of God makes everything easier. Still a process though…

So throughout all of this time some things started to get better, school, my car situation, my relationship with God, but other things start to change. My spiritual journey has me visiting other churches and at the same time i’m in the process of trying to remove my attachment from a guy and this is turning out to be the longest and most draining process in 2017. Not going to lie, I thought that I was going to handle it A L O T better than I am, but I just contribute it to being apart of the process.Screen Shot 2017-06-22 at 10.42.35 AM After reviewing our relationship over and over again trying to see what I could’ve and should’ve done differently to put us in a better position, I only came up with one thing. I wasn’t properly loving myself first. You cannot truly give pure, unaltered, unconditional love unless you have it for yourself.

Now I understand that these past 6 months of happy, sad, hot, salty, and draining tears have only been helping to release the old me that was full of anger for no reason, rudeness, doubt, insecurities and so much more. I know that it’ll be a long process that starts with continuing the change in my mindset, I know that there will still be tears (simply because I just got done having a Kim K. ugly cry 5 minutes ago), but I also know that God’s love will continue to hold me together. Also, God has placed some of the most amazing people in my life to draw strength from. I am absolutely SO incredibly blessed beyond measure…even through this breaking period.

So, If you’re close enough and have felt or seen a shift in me, just please be patient with me. I don’t intend on hurting anyone through this process, but I MUST learn how to love myself and sometimes that means that I have to do some things on my own before I announce them to the world. That means I have to do what my heart desires, within reason. lol. That means I have to re-learn myself everyday and love whatever i’m presented with. Strength and weakness. Beat and dry face. Freckles and blemishes. Tears of all kinds. Hurt/pain and joy/happiness. Flaws and all. Gotta start with loving me.

 

Y’all, please continue to trust the process.

– With love, Muffy

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fearless.

So. I am currently supposed to be writing a research paper so that I can get it out of the way so that I can study for finals happening next week buttttt I just need to get something off of my chest first. Just work with me for a second.

This post is entitled “fearless” because that is my “one word” for 2017. Earlier this year my Auntie sent out a text and asked everyone what their “one word” (a practice developed by Mike Ashcraft where you pick a word to challenge you for the year. click the link to find out more.) would be for the year. I thought it over for a few days and finally settled on the word fearless. My mother thought that I should’ve picked another word…I forget what it was though. Now, at the moment I didn’t exactly understand why I decided to pick the word, but something in my spirit was telling me to stick with it.

So it’s January and the new semester has started and it is A L R E A D Y getting the best  of me- from the stupid car to struggling with not having an intricate part of my support system there to simply still being uncomfortable in this uncomfortable season. I was like…some…thing…has…GOT… to give! So I started getting myself together to act on my one word: fearless.

I started with my fearless pursuit for love. At this point in my life I just got kind of fed up with me being selfish- “why am I not feeling the love that I deserve?” “This person should show more concern for me. Why don’t they?” “I don’t like this persons attitude. They don’t deserve to be treated this type of way”. All of that just reeks of selfishness so I asked God to help me love like him, have a pure heart like his so I decided to implement love in every situation that I could. I started reach out and express the love that I want/think I deserve from those who fail to show it to me. I started expressing more love to those who already show me an over abundance of love. Now it is becoming more natural and I am becoming a little more gentle with people. God’s love will always win.

Next came my fearless pursuit for God. I have been pursuing him, but I can’t say that it has been a fearless journey. Over the past year he has placed me in various situations where I was uncertain of the outcome and it made me super uncomfortable. I was uncomfortable being uncomfortable. There has always been some cushion or padding in my life that has been my safety net to fall back on, but God needed me to be uncomfortable so that I would get up and fall in line with his plan and will for my life. I’d be in prayer every Tuesday just asking God what it was he needed from me for him to get the greatest glory and for me to be at peace. He answered me in prayer during the first night of consecration with the church and simply said “I need all of you” and thats when my fearless pursuit really began.

I didn’t know exactly what I needed to do, but I knew that I needed God to do it so I let go of any negative impinging ideas and went in head first. Now, I had been thinking about baptism for awhile, because I knew I needed it, but I knew this was the perfect time. This morning of my baptism I just remember everyone being so excited and me having to keep it together because the person I got baptized with was nervous. lol. All within one week I was baptized and filled with the holy spirit! No greater love have I ever felt, experienced, or known. My fearless pursuit started to feel just that much more fearless.

I am still fearlessly pursuing love and God, but becoming comfortable in my uncomfortableness has been the greatest product of my “one word”.

Needless to say, God revealed to me my “why” to my one word almost instantly, but I had to work with it a little bit. Makes me wonder what other things he will make me fearless about within the coming months of this year.

 

Anyways, as always, keep trusting the process.

-Muffy

Love.

John 13:34-35 (KJV)

34 A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.

35 By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.


I choose to love for 2017. 

Since today is the day that our great nation honors one of the greatest civil rights leaders of all of time, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., I thought that it would be a perfect time for me to reflect on how I plan to spend my 2017. It involves love because that was one of his main goals.

For the first week of the year I was still trying to figure out how I was going to go about it, navigate it so that I can come out a better Erin that I was the year, month, week, day and even hour before. I went through a whole set of thoughts about how I could’ve done 2016 better and everything just ended up circling back to love. I mean, I gave and received love last year, but I didn’t do it freely all the time and I definitely didn’t show it to everyone. 

After reflecting on my first week of 2017 I decided that I could not keep harboring the things that hurt me in 2016 and in years before. That was the main thing that kept me from reaching my full potential of love and it kept me from being open with people that I clearly trusted. It had me shutting people out before I even let them in and when I finally let them in it was much too late. SO, after making that declaration of purifying my heart and letting go of hurt and the things that I cannot control, I decided to choose love.

I knew that I couldn’t live out my 2017 while I was still hiding behind the comfort of my own hurt so I choose to give what I so desperately need- LOVE.

I plan to selflessly spread it in every way that I can- starting with myself. If I start by loving myself properly then hopefully others will see and catch on to the wave. 

There are a few people in my life that always always always ALWAYS show me love in various ways and I plan on honoring them endlessly all year! I don’t have a lot, but that can no longer be used as an excuse because a small gesture from the heart can often times mean more than a grand gesture.

At the end of the day, love is an action verb so I plan to DO all things in love. I plan to remind everyone that we’re practicing love this year. I plan to remind myself that we’re practicing love this year. I just want to end this year (really each day) loving love because I can’t say thats how I genuinely felt at the end of 2016. 

So, needless to say, I encourage everyone to choose love this year. 

#chooselove2k17

Always remember, trust the process.

#IWillNoLonger.

So, for me November is ALWAYS quite a month. It just feels as if there is always something new that happens that makes this month the hardest to get through. This November is a little different though, still too much going on, but it’s a little more than normal.

The situations that have transpired resulted in a much needed conversation with myself about what changes I would make because i’ve just about hit thee fan. And i’m only 5’3″ so you know that means i’m way past my limit.

So, as of today, November 25th, 2016, I made a declaration with myself that I would no longer do some things.

  1. I will no longer invest my time in broken relationships. There comes a point in a persons life when enough is enough and trying to heal a relationship drains you, especially if it’s a one-sided effort. Honestly, truly, i’m over it.
  2. I will no longer coddle people and their feelings. I am 23 years old and I do not have the time to sit and try to rearrange my thoughts to make you feel comfortable with a simple conversation or situation. No. Grow up and increase the level of your maturity. I’m over it.
  3. I will no longer make excuses for grown people. I will start calling a spade a spade. Das it. I’m over it. Next…
  4. I will no longer compromise the relationship I have with myself to exert more energy into another relationship. I think this statement pretty much speaks for itself. Ultimately, if you do not have a good and solid relationship with yourself how in the world do you expect that to happen with someone else? Sometimes I have to remember to take care of myself first and be a little selfish about it.
  5. I will no longer let anyone disturb my peace. My prayer focus lately has been on peace. Since I have been so focused on peace I believe that God put me in the middle of a situation that would cause my peace to be tried. It worked. I now know how unsettling it feels and I can’t/won’t be subjected to it anymore. Disturbed peace can cause you to grab your piece…we don’t need these problems. I’m over it.
  6. I will no longer be bothered by passive aggressiveness. Completely over it.
  7. I will no longer keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. You know, some people deserve to be let in on where I am and what i’m thinking. At some point I realized that I had to stop letting my past dictate how I handle certain situations. Now this doesn’t mean that everybody gets a key to my box of thoughts, but some people have earned it.
  8. I will no longer allow situations cause me to contemplate adjusting my level of love. Adjusting the level of the relationship, yes, but love, no. After really thinking about some things I had to immediately check my heart because I could feel it changing. I never want a situation to dictate the condition of my heart so I always try to love with the love of God. Loving with the love of God can get you through the most trivial of situations.
  9. I will no longer hold on. I will no longer hold on to people, situations, relationships, words, etc. that God is clearly telling me to let go of. Holding on breeds unhealthy situations and I already eat too many ice cream sandwiches…since we’re on the subject of being unhealthy.
  10. I will no longer hold back an “I love you”. This one might be a little hard because there is always the element of hurt lurking around when you love. Loving freely isn’t such an easy task (for me), but missing the opportunity to tell someone that you love them might bring about a different type of hurt. Though I do believe that love is an action word I still think that verbalizing it for someone (friends, family, lovers, etc.) has sort of an comforting affect.

 

At the end of the day I guess you can say that i’m starting my “new year, new me” just a few days early. lol. Some of these notions are great changes for me that will cause me to be quite uncomfortable, but I’m ready for it because I have been comfortable with mediocrity for far too long now.

It’s never too late to state your #Iwillnolonger for the 2k16!

I’m still learning how to trust the process…

My mama is a Gem.

Gen the gem is what I am going to start calling her because she is L I T! Don’t argue with me on this!


Full Definition of gem

  1. 1a:jewel

  2. b:  a precious or sometimes semiprecious stone cut and polished for ornament

  3. 2a:  something prized especially for great beauty or perfection

  4. b:  a highly prized or well-beloved person

(courtesy of Merriam-Webster)


It has taken me a full 23 1/2 years to realize how much of a precious jewel/highly prized or well-beloved person she is. Such a shame it should be a crime that it took me this long to fully come to this conclusion.

I came to this realization Sunday night when I spent 1 hr. 10 min. and 1 sec. on the phone with her just talking. Now, if you really know me you know that a lengthy phone call with me is 10 minutes…MAX. I tend to make phone calls when the matter is urgent or when the text I sent was politely ignored. When I do get on the phone, I say what I have to say then make my famous  exit by saying “alright, well i’ll talk to you later. love ya. k bye.” With all of that being said, you can see why it was extremely out of the ordinary for me to be on the phone for an hour+.

But after the call I realized a few things:

  1. My mama knows me better than anyone else. I was FOR SURE that only God knew who I really was and everybody else just acted like they did. But my mama told me somethings about myself that I hadn’t thought about before (or I thought about them but didn’t want to believe them). It made me realize that just because she STILL doesn’t know that my favorite dipping sauce is honey mustard (not Polynesian or BBQ, the two she ALWAYS gets) doesn’t mean that she doesn’t know me.
  2. She has some great advice. It’s usually “just take it to God/Pray about it, My Muff!”, but that is just her way of preparing me to take on life like a real adult because she won’t always be readily available to help me. Learned that pretty quickly after she got married and left me and my sisters for dead! lol. Okay thats not the truth, but she has gone through enough “life” to give a pretty good piece of advice.
  3. She’s the best petty partner. Since she turned 50 she developed what I like to call her “petty laugh”. When she does this laugh she has either done or said something petty and know that she’s wrong for it! Everyone thinks that she is so serious all the time, but she has a goofy side that she saves for petty people. She’s pretty much #PettyGoalz.
  4. She’ll always remind me that God loves me and that she is praying for me. Whenever I do something that is potentially avoidable she will hold back her words of “encouragement”. She starts by getting everything off of her chest and then follows up with a text message containing a scripture and a “God loves you.” Thnx, Mom. lol.  Aside from that, her everyday texts saying “Hello my Muff! I love you and I am praying for you!” let me know that i’m not alone in this walk!
  5. She’s the real MVP. Like the “get some information you need from your ex because you’re not tryna contact them” type of MVP. Everybody needs this type of person on their team!

 

She’s much much more than just these few things that were mentioned: a creator, Jesus lover, singer, demon fighter (not physical), no limit soldier, etc. But i’ll leave those for another day.

Anyways, if you got a mama or an auntie (s/o to my auntie) or a stepmama or a granny go ahead and shout them out! Tell ’em to twerk summ today just because! Don’t wait until it’s too late to appreciate your Gem!

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As always, remember to trust the process!

 

Metamorphosis.

Metamorphosis

noun meta·mor·pho·sis \ˌme-tə-ˈmȯr-fə-səs\

Simple Definition of metamorphosis

  • : a major change in the appearance or character of someone or something

  • biology : a major change in the form or structure of some animals or insects that happens as the animal or insect becomes an adult

 

Examples of metamorphosis in a sentence

  1. We have watched her metamorphosis from a shy schoolgirl into a self-confident businesswoman.

  2. a company that has gone through a series of metamorphoses

  3. The government has undergone political metamorphosis since his election.

  4. the metamorphosis of tadpoles into frogs

  5. The class learned about how caterpillars undergo metamorphosis to become butterflies.

 

(Definition and examples curtesy of Merriam-Webster.com)


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So, a friend of mine sent this to me in one of my group messages because it was the perfect answer to a certain conversation that we just had. She sent it about a month ago and since then I’ve been feeling myself go through some sort of a change. Now, I cannot pinpoint when or why the change started, but I do know that I feel one.

Here are a few things that I noticed throughout the process:

  • Gucci got out ANDDDD released an album and I wasn’t super hype about it. Now if you know me you know that i’m low-key a lil bit hood so this was surprising even to me! I used to live on Gucci, Webbie, Boosie, and Plies. smh
  • I have been listening to India.Arie for the past few weeks. Like, whole albums of hers. I’m not sure what thats about at all, but it’s happening. Maybe i’m mellowing out (not like i’ve ever been exciting) and becoming a flower child…? lol.
  • I had to withdraw from a major class in my first semester of nursing school to avoid failing it…and I was open about telling people. Not people like my mama and sisters, but like strangers a.k.a. anybody other than them. This was very interesting because i’m not one who goes around announcing my failures for the simple reason that…I mean…they’re failures. No one wants to seem like a failure, but I think talking about it to others helped me accept it.
  • I started going deeper in God. This started because nursing school is NO JOKE. I thought that I had God, but what I was working with was NOT enough. I managed to make it through my first semester with what I had, but once my break from school rolled around I actually had time to think about something other than tests, clinicals and stress, I knew I needed a change. Setting aside time for quiet morning devotion just between God and I has been my thing recently. I always woke up and started my day off with prayer, but as the quote says “every next level of you life will demand a different you” so I knew that I needed to be different. Really letting God lead me has been the greatest change yet.
  • Burning bridges is something that I HATE doing, but I have learned that letting go of broken relationships is extremely necessary. Letting go of relationships is not the change that I have had, but having peace with the decision is a new feature for me. I usually go back overthink everything so that i’m left with an unsettling feeling. This process has changed. Drastically.

 

I’m sure that more changes have occurred, but these are the ones that really stuck out to me. After really reassessing myself, the only word that kept coming up in my mind was metamorphosis. As you see in the definition above, the word is described as a major change in appearance or character. The biological definition defines it as a change in an insect as it becomes an adult. As I read the definition for the word I found that it explained my current situation perfectly because my character is changing as I become an adult. I am going through a new and different phase in my life and it warrants a new and different me. Really, I feel like i’m going through an adult phase of puberty. Does this happen to all twenny-summs (twenty-somethings, for those who are confused) or am I out here all alone?

I would just like to know how long this is going to last and what other changes I have to look forward to. I’d like to think that all of this will work out in my favor because of Romans 8:28…

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But God never ceases to amaze me!

As always, I will trust the process…

WHO, WHO DA YA LUVV?!!

Or should I say who loves me?!

Ever since February 26th, 2016 I have been receiving the most overwhelming amount of love, encouragement, and  support! In reality, this has been happening since birth, but I am focusing on the past couple of months for now.

If you haven’t heard by now, I got into nursing school! Woot woot! Even before I got this amazing news my support system was constantly reminding me of how proud they were of me. I didn’t think anything that I was doing was amazing because I wasn’t where IIIII wanted to be in life. I felt like I was just going through the motions of what any 22/23 year old should go through.

Go to college. Graduate in 4 years. Get a job. Pay bills. Congratulations, you’re a real adult now. 

I had done just that, but still didn’t feel satisfied. So I continued to pursue my dream of becoming a Registered Nurse, but the road blocks I encountered sure made giving up look as sweet as candy! At the end of the day giving up was NOT an option because: A) my mama wouldn’t have let that fly B) I have too many people rooting for me and telling them that I just gave up would not have been a sufficient excuse C) I can’t be a teacher and I can’t work a desk job all my life.

As I entered the new year I decided that 2016 would be “My year of the win” and it has been JUST that! My news of getting into nursing school couldn’t have come at a more perfect time! I received the news on the weekend that my mother was having her 50th birthday party so all of my #1 supporters would be in the same location. My mother, my auntie (Cha Cha), Cousin Carla, and KayRay are the ladies who are on every scene to support and to show love in every way! I honestly learned how to love, give, laugh and be selfless (still working on that one. lol) from these incredible women. I know that they will always have my back without a shadow of a doubt.
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Aside from them, I have so many others that I feel are a lot more excited about this endeavor than I am. lol. Not that I am not excited, I just think that they see my potential far beyond what I see.

  • My big sister Cammy literally started tearing up when I told her. I thought it might have just been the pregnancy hormones, but within that week I received a card with the most incredible “proud big sister” note ever! I hung it up by my door so i’m reminded of who has my back every time I walk in my door!
  • My sister #4 is more excited than I am. lol. Every time I see her she tells me that she is excited or already reminds me that I need to get on the ball. She was one of the first people that I told and literally every week since Feb. 26th I have received a text about a tip or, more importantly, a scholarship opportunity. So if I cry broke it’s my own fault because Brittany is ON IT! #NurseBrittForPresident2016
  • Lastly, my siblings. Terra has always taken care of me like she birthed me, but now she has her BF in on it too. They have already come through with the clutch with stuff I need for school! Amber encourages me by coming home and telling the things that happen in her classroom. She doesn’t tell them so I won’t want to be a teacher, but that’s how I take it! They just solidify my career choice and encourage me to do everything I have to so I don’t have to resort to teaching. lol.

Of course these are not the only people who support me, but I literally cannot name everyone because it is so many! My friends, family, cousins, co-workers, etc. keep me grounded and SO humble. Absolutely nothing goes unnoticed or unappreciated.

I just want to give a big THANK YOUUUUUUU to everyone who encourages, loves, supports and believes in me! You the real MVP!

If you have time, which you always should, make a list of the people who always have your back and keep it on you at all times. Keep it on you to remind you of who you do it for and also to help remind yourself to check in with them from time to time. I “check in” by sending goodies like cookies and cakes because I loveeeee to bake and who doesn’t like cake?! Just make sure you’re sending out as much love as you receive!

Remember, God is love. He puts people in our lives for a specific purpose.

Don’t be so great that you cant be grateful, hot that you can’t be humble, lit that you can’t be loving, or so successful that you cant be supportive/selfless.

So, who do ya luv and who loves you?!

-Muffy

*Always remember to trust the process…

 

 

Week 2: Rum cake and creamy caramel pecan rolls 

This week I decided to make two different desserts. One I have made numerous times before (the rolls) and the other was my first time making it (rum cake), from scratch at least. 

The first thing that I made was the Rum Cake, but from scratch. I have made one before but it was a box mix with the homemade rum sauce. This cake was going smoothly up until I had to whip the egg whites…yikes. I have only done this MAYBE once before and I’m sure it went much like it did this time. The recipe suggested using a standing mixer, but I don’t have one (my birthday is march 1st so feel free to send me a nice kitchen aid mixer. I take refurbished items 😉). Since I don’t have this mixer I just used my hand mixer and I felt like I was mixing foreverrrrrrrr! The whites NEVER peaked up and it was oh so very disappointing. I eventually had to redo the whole process because I didn’t want to ruin the whole cake before I even put it in the oven. Thankfully, the second time went well and the cake ended up turning out pretty good. 

Here is the link to the original recipe:

Rum Cake (From Scratch!)

Here are a few pictures:
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The second thing that I made was caramel cinnamon rolls with pecans. This has been a hit since the very first time that I made them. Now, I did not make the dough from scratch, but I do plan on tying it at some point. I am definitely afraid to make doughs and crusts because you have to have some sort of perfection. I forgot to take a picture of all of the ingredients that I used to make this so please forgive me! I did capture most of the steps I did!

Here is the original link:
http://www.bhg.com/recipe/yeast-breads/creamy-caramel-pecan-rolls/?socsrc=bhgpin042312creamycaramelpecanrolls

Here are the pictures that I have:
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– Muffy

*remember to Trust the process

Week 1: Bourbon buttermilk pie! 

So, this year I decided that I would hone in on my baking skills in hopes that I would become the modern day version of the mother in the church who makes the best desserts in the whole city.

I am going to start baking every two weeks and I “officially” started this weekend by making a bourbon buttermilk pie. After making a red velvet cake a few weeks ago I needed to find something to make so that I could use the leftover buttermilk. I searched Pinterest (my google for baking) to find something that I could replicate and that is when I found the pie. I had never heard of it before, but it sounded so simple and there were so many versions of it! Of course I picked the one that had liquor in it because…I mean…it was bourbon.

*Here is the link to the original recipe: http://www.wellplated.com/bourbon-buttermilk-pie/ *

I took a few pictures of the process:

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Turns out that my mom has had this pie before and guess who made them…THE MOTHERS IN THE CHURCH 😂😂😂😂. I legit might be turning into the dessert mother of the church. Except I just share whatever I make with my family, not the community.

Verdict: it was excellent and I am really trying to get up and workout instead of getting up and eating the last two pieces.

 

Until the next time…

-Muffy

 

*always remember to trust the process.

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